How to become a Rock and Roll Legend

Are you struggling at becoming the greatest rock star in the world? Do you ever wonder how it is that the big names in rock and roll write their songs? If you answered yes to any of those questions then this post is for you!

I have researched the most famous bands in history and come up with a simple and effective five step process that will allow you to become a legend of Rock and Roll, Country, Rap, Hip-Hop, or even Dub Step if that tickles your fancy.  If followed to the dot, this program will undoubtedly land you somewhere in the hall of fame. Only continue reading if you are committed to becoming a musical legend.

STEP ONE

Learn to Play an Instrument

How can you  be a musical god if you don't know how to play an instrument or sing? (well.. I guess you could rap...) Pick up a guitar, warm up your vocals, and vow never to play bass, rhythm guitar (Unless you're going to double as lead singer), or drums. If you're going to be a musical god or goddess you don't want to be living in the shadow of an amazing lead guitarist and/or singer.  Do you want to be known as, that one guy/girl who plays bass for (INSERT YOUR FAVORITE BAND HERE)? 

STEP TWO

Get a Band

Okay, bravo for you learning an instrument. Now you're among the 50,000,000 people who can play whatever it is you're now playing.  Now it's time to find a group of people who are musically talented, but not more than you, because after all, you're the star.  Make sure that the people you select are very uncooperative together in terms of friendship, common interests, and favorite toothpaste flavor, but very uniform and perfect when playing music together.  What's a band without a little (...or a lot) of internal struggle?

STEP THREE

Get Musical Inspiration

You've got the talent, the band, and what, no music? Don't fret, this is the step that you will learn how to write amazing songs that will melt people faces and make the members of the opposite sex want you.  

For this step we are going to take one of our best examples of musical genius, Pink Floyd, and break it down quickly and easily.  

Do as many drugs as you can without reaching the Deadly Limit, how can you be famous if you're dead? (well... I guess it worked for Elvis... But wait until you have about 15 Number one hits before you kick the bucket.) Lock yourself in a room with a type writer, a guitar, and a recorder.  You may black out and have no recollection of what happened in the previous eighteen hours, but what was recorded is going to be musical genius.  

Or

If you want to write songs about love, go out and experience it all. Your songs need to cater to every single kind of love there is.  Cheat on your loved ones, kiss as many people as possible, break up with people as often as possible, and feel the heartbreak.  Many of the songs that you hear on the radio have to do with love.  After all, love is something that everyone feels, right?

STEP FOUR

Release an Album that goes Platinum

Only the greatest musicians have released music that goes platinum. No one listens to music that doesn't, if they do, they're losers. Get in the studio with your newly found inspiration.  If you happened to go with the second option in the above step to avoid drugs than you most certainly didn't think this process through. Drugs ALWAYS need to be present in the studio. Most of the popular music you hear on the radio is sung and played while under the influence of a mind altering substance. Get used to it. It's going to be there the rest of your life. 

Once you've released your album and it's gone platinum, tell everyone it's about the music and for the fans, though deep down in you heart you know it was just to become famous and get rich.  Be grumpy, be demanding, be unhappy with your band, all of the greatest artists complain about little things. The little things matter to the big boys.

STEP FIVE

Break Up with the Band and/or Die

"It is better to burn out than to fade away..." Kurt Cobain, the genius behind Nirvana stated in his letter a letter to the public.

 Though unfortunately Kurt is no longer with us, his words have made an impact on society.  Look at Guns 'n Roses, they peaked in the late eighties and continued making music, they released an album titled, Chinese Democracy just a couple years ago that received virtually NO critical acclaim.   They are fading away fast.  

Look at Nirvana, Kurt Cobain died at the peak of their popularity.  People now wonder what they could have become and if they would have been the greatest song writers of all time.  Though they would have most likely pulled a Guns N Roses, it's better this way.  

Make sure that after your band has become insanely famous, you end it.  People will always wonder what could have been.  You will go down in Rock history as a musician who never got to finish his/her cause, whether you die, or break up with your band.

Well, there you have it.  The secrets of becoming a rock and roll legend are now yours.  Get to work and I will begin searching the entertainment columns, and the obituaries within the next ten years for you! Go get em' jerks! Err... I mean... Tiger!

Sorry, this is an entirely satirical article I wrote, no idea why, just did. Do not take any of this seriously.   I love Kurt Cobain, so don't get mad at me for making fun of him... :/